Am I Crazy? No, I just deal with a little anxiety :)

April 26 2008

Do you know what a panic attack is? If you don't you should. Because 1 in 4 woman will experience one so if not you, you probably know someone who has had one. A panic attack is a real and very scary thing. Close your eyes for a second and think of your biggest fear. Is it someone attacking you? Are you drowning? Now imagine how you would feel in that situation. Do you think your heart would race? Would you tremble? Do you feel faint? A person who has a panic attacks has those real feelings times ten. But they feel this for usually no reason at all. While sitting in their living room watching TV, while out to eat with someone in a restaurant, and even sometimes while driving.

I have had panic attacks and anxiety since I was about twenty. I remember my first one was when I was in class. I suddenly felt scared. I felt my blood pressure drop, my heart race, and like I was going to fall over at any minute. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't know what was going on and felt crazy. About five minutes later the feeling passed.... but my worry about it didn't. I kept having this feeling about twice a week. Some people with extreme panic attacks can experience them four times a day or even more.

I looked up all my symptoms online which was both a good thing and a bad. A good thing because I finally understood what was happening. A bad thing because I realized that they was no absolute cure and that they could and probably would happen again. You can help your anxiety by not worrying but that's the hardest part after having the panic attack. I then worried that it would happen again.

I didn't tell anyone because I felt like I was going crazy. I mean, how can something that I can prevent from happening be so debilitating. I would try not to worry about it but all the what ifs played over and over in my mind.

"What if I pass out while driving?"

"What if I pass out and they can't get me to wake up?"

"What if.....What if.......What if"

They questions just kept coming.

Now, I am 27 and am still dealing with it. It hasn't been so bad since I have learned more about it, have had my son, and have had to learn to trust God even when I don't know how to. I know the feelings that come up when I feel anxious and have learned how not to be overwhelmed by them and make them worse. I haven't have an actually panic attack for a couple of years. I do get anxious once in a while and my heart will race or I will feel lightheaded but I just pray, breath, and tell myself that its okay and the feeling will pass.

When I got pregnant I realized that I didn't want this trait to cross over to my son but it would if he sees me dealing with it. If I worry about things I shouldn't worry about he will then learn from me and do the same thing. I don't want that for him. If I could give him one piece of advice that he would actually listen to it would be not to worry about the things you can not change.

I am not saying I am cured. I will probably never be cured. I still worry about having one and other things that I have no control over but I deal with it and move on. I do feel like they have made me a stonger and more compassionate person. I know that God put this in my life because I am strong enough to handle it. Having panic attacks usually makes people feel weak and crazy but I think they show how strong a person can be. I may not like having them but they are in my life and I have to deal with them. And for right now, that's okay with me.